growing in God

FAEO

Something is different about me.. I got completely offended when I was listening to some Hip Hop earlier.. songs that I have listened to many times in the past I just got so offended. When I heard what they were saying I couldn’t even continue what I was doing because it was so upsetting to me. Its just so degrading and disgusting I can’t believe I actually listen to some of the crap I listen to I don’t get it. Why now all of a sudden am I getting strongly offended by it? Is my faith getting stronger? I mean Ive been listening to christian music all the time I’ve been praying a lot and all that kinda stuff a lot of talks with God and for the first time in my life I was completely disgusted with the lyrics in the songs. It was to the point that the beat of the music didn’t even sound good because I couldn’t drown out the horrible things they were saying. It’s a great feeling. I feel as if I am growin in my journey with God and I just hope that it continues. I know that we were talking today about how we haven’t put the bible into our daily conversations which is bad. I know that we’ve been like extremely busy lately as well and that might have something to do with it but maybe I’m right.. about God being jealous.. so he wants to kind of make things rocky for us to let us know that we are forgetting someone. I honestly think that was something he wanted me to see because last night all I prayed about was to show me in my dreams what he wanted me to see and I just kept replaying that scene in that movie about God being a jealous God.. I’ve not had what I would consider a messege from God in such clear form in a long time and I’m really greatful that I can still experience it. I just want to grow, but not by myself, closer to God..

roses

I thought roses couldn’t last forever
I guess it depends who you get it from..

forever

FAEO

Early mornin’ wake up
Gently with the Caress on your hand
And that Kimono that I bought you on my trip to Japan
Sunshine peekin through the Venitian blinds
Four years, and like wine, you got finer with time
I got a question, if the Prodda dressin and the Gucci
All got goes, and the freeze on the Lucci
I mean real bad girl, I’m talking rougher than rough
Do you think it’d be enough if we just had us?
Don’t answer quick, think about it cause I’m askin for real
Gold diggers goin’ to hear this song drivin and crash at the wheel
Forever is a long time, so far we gettin along fine
No car I ever drove, no ice I ever saw
No music I ever made, ain’t nothin I wanted more
We could deal with whatever together
Sunshine, all that other weather, when we chasin’ forever

I wanna stay with you forever
I wanna spend all my life with only you
I wanna stay, lets stay together
Chasing forever, with only you

Chasin forever, a buckwild, endeavorous scene
Should we pursue with somethin real or just chasin a dream
Or casin’ the scene
Fore I die I plan
To see your soul and eternity in the palm of my hands
Now as a man, there’s certain things I’m lackin for sure
But I’m committed to growin and coming at you mature
In the future, I know it ain’t gonna be all good
But when we feelin the hurt, if we willin to work
The eight ball will never turn to see us behind
Though I ain’t no knight, and my armor don’t shine
My mom said the lynch pin of love is trust
An taught me monogomy is uh, monogamous
Plus, for you dinner by candlelight
Now don’t commit before you sure you understand me right
It’s a race to a strange place, most see never
It’s a chase we gotta make together, forever

Now you would think after all my heartbreaks I’d be cruel
Hiding behind my ego, evil but no
Much the contrary, I’m very much certain
You searchin for joy, it’s on the other side of hurtin
Finally found a person, worthy of all
Instead of pushin me down, you wanna cushion my fall
Your eyes could make the sun rise, all the birds sing
Seal it with a kiss, bind it with a ring
More carrats than even bugs could eat in a week
An the ribbon in the sky, close your eyes don’t peek
I’ll tell you what I see in the future
A hacienda so cute with, two little kids callin me mom and callin you dad
Havin more good times than JJ had
Judging by the look in your eyes, you see it
Let no man sever, welcome to forever

a loonatic

FAEO

to be in love so great that it when its over its almost feels like dying. its depressing.. i mean i never thought i would fall in love to being with to be in love to the extent that i almost ran away last night? who am i? i don’t even know.. breaking tables… breaking the law speeding… i have no idea who i am anymore.. im not a law breaker.. im not.. ive never been so upset and hurt that i resulted in physical violence that actually damaged other peoples propery… maybe i’m crazie… i mean i actually thought about starving myself but what is that going to do? i mean … i would be mad skinny and i already complain that i am too skinny and i really dont want that.. i was going to cut myself but then i thought well… my skin is kinda pretty.. im sooo stupid… and i dont deserve anything after how i acted last night.. i should just disappear. even college is too good for me now what is wrong with me? i feel hurt.. embarrassed.. helpless.. i want to be forgiven and taken home i want to give up.. not with him.. but just with me.. i mean… if i’m acting like this now who knows how i will act later on… and it really sucks.. i dont want to hurt him. i’d rather cut myself to death or starve or something than intentionally hurt him honest i would.. so maybe im not all there in the head.. but whatever u kno i mean.. i dont even know what im trying to say i just know that I can’t do it again… i jst can’t… maybe i really should disappear.. then i wont have to deal with it anymore.. i had no idea that would offend him i really didn’t. i almost sound pathetic.. they say that love makes you blind.. i dont think its gone that far just yet… but i do know i love him and i want everything to be ok. i have issues… he has issues.. he knows things that i dont just like i know things that he doesnt.. id uno maybe i’m just dumb… stupid girl. anways i have to write an exam… maybe after i finish my exams ill go away… i almost didn’t come back last night but then i screwed up.. turned myself in for it tho. i hope i dont get in too much trouble.. i hate myself right now…