phone called

no answer… figures…

thoughts on boy

I’ve lost my phone.. I woulda thought he would have at least called.. knowing that my long distance is out but whatever maybe he doesn’t wana talk to me and thats cool I mean it shouldn’t bother me we are after all just friends right? maybe literally speaking sure. My heart knows different. My heart has known and will always know. Yea so someone else may come long but that someone else will never be him.. no matter how much better or worse they are. There is only one him in the world and thats who I fell for wheter he decides to talk to me or not. I went out today with my friend Benita it felt good to be out with someone other than my family. Three weeks yesterday. That is how long this has been going on. This maddness.. and he wants to wait at least six months before he even thinks about being in a relationship with anyone else. We’ll see how that goes, I’ve noticed he’s not really a man of his word. At least not as a friend.. as a boyfriend.. absolutely wonderful, but as a friend.. he tells me he will do something and it never happens. How am I supposed to trust him? or anyone? if they treat me that way.. i know.. because love does that kinda thing to a person.. they say that its blind.. well I don’t completely agree with that. Love sees all but is able to forgive and overcome if it is true. I think he may hate me. he ignores my online messeges.. he stopped calling.. is our friendship over? no not exactly.. its just on pause.. but for how long? a day? a week? a month? 5 years? he never tried to change me the way I look while we were together.. why now is he so concerned? am I not good enough just the way I am? thats a real confidence lifter right there. but whatever you know I mean.. If he wants to change me… he can try.. but I’m not going to.. I like being the little me who everyone thinks is 13. yea I complain about it.. but part of me also likes it a little and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Do I love him? Without a doubt. Will I marry him? If I ever get the chance and if he or I don’t change too much. Will I cheat on him? he said that he could not say never.. but honestly.. I can’t not on him or anyone even if I have to break up with them like 2 seconds before I commit the act, I couldn’t do it. He says that everyone is capable of anything, which is so true.. but if I was not influenced by any drug or any sort of substance than I can guarantee that I would never do such a thing not in a million years. I think that this not talking thing is sorta helping me but it’s not going to get me over him not one bit. I want to call him. I think I will.. Cory knows best.. but I think I’m ready.. lets see how this goes.

God and people

Canela819 [10:28 PM]: i said i was never guna do it
Canela819 [10:28 PM]: i promised myself
Canela819 [10:29 PM]: i said it was jsut guna hurt it was just guna all be bad
Canela819 [10:29 PM]: and look what happened…. i did it… that kinda irritates me
Canela819 [10:29 PM]: but at the same time… its a really good feeling u know… and i am glad to have experienced it
Canela819 [10:30 PM]: and no its not over… the relationship might be… but its still there… whether i like to admit it or not… and yea.. its not been that long since its been over… but i have a feeling that the feeling just wont go away
LoverPianist [10:30 PM]: hold up………….noo ….yes u have to look at the good side
Canela819 [10:31 PM]: greatest feeling in the world
Canela819 [10:31 PM]: no wonder God feels the way he does…. love its a great thing
LoverPianist [10:31 PM]: yess its a good excellent thing
Canela819 [10:32 PM]: absolutely fantastic..
Canela819 [10:32 PM]: but just like relationships with people and God.. things dont always work out as planned.. at least not right away.. if at all
Canela819 [10:32 PM]: God wants everyone to be a certain way… but they arent.. and that hurts God….
Canela819 [10:33 PM]: just like I would like for my relationship with anthony to be a certain way but its not.. and that hurts me..
Canela819 [10:33 PM]: but at the same time…. its not going to change the way I feel about him..
Canela819 [10:33 PM]: just like God’s relationship with his people.. doesnt change the way he feels about them.. he still loves them all the same
Canela819 [10:35 PM]: and given time.. some people do turn to God but not everyone does.. and some that do.. sometimes leave..
Canela819 [10:35 PM]: maybe this was a lesson….
Canela819 [10:36 PM]: maybe he want to teach me something.. i realize that it happens to people all the time… but maybe God wanted me to see something ive never thought of before..
Canela819 [10:36 PM]: or maybe im just crazie thinking about all of this anyways

maybe its just that I needa pray and read more..

my grades

I was looking at my grades and I was looking back to when they started dropping. I know that it was my fault that they went down but at the same time I have a certain someone to thank for it. I shouldn’t have let it get to me and I should of dropped it long before I did but the fact is that I did and honestly I think it worked out for the better and perhaps this new thing that I am trying this friendship might be better for me after all. Yea its hard yea I think it really sucks and I just want everything to be back to the way it was but maybe in time that will happen. I mean I really hope it does but I can’t guarantee anything at all. I just hope that every thing works out ok…