Who is the real me? Ive been doing a lot of thinking… Who was I when I was with you? I was happy and very excitable.. I was loving and loved.. I wanted you every day… not just to be with me but you know.. the physical too.. But there was a part of me that didn’t want that.. that feels guilty about it. While it was going on it was perfect.. I wanted to keep it forever.. Especially because it was you of all people.. the one person that i love soo much more than I really know how to describe. Ive seriously been thinking back on what I might have been pretending I guess I was pretending about my guilt because it was something I wanted to deal with myself and I understand that we were in it together and we were supposed to work stuff out together. I love you.. I love being with you… and yea it was wrong for me to just stop just like that… If it was so wrong why do I still think about it? Every interest we had in common i didn’t make that up… Our conversations.. that was really me.. Ive really thought it through.. I remember when we got fake engaged or whatever that was really nice. .
The real me doesnt like to be away from cory for too long but at the same time wonders if thats an advantage. Part of me feels terrified about everything… but at the same time a lot more confident about myself which I can mostly thank you for. The real me loves sex/making love but at the same time is scared to have it. The real me hates crying hates being out of control and hates losing. The real me does freak out over little things at times. . . The real me is not quick to anger.. but I mean these are things that are already known to you.. so where was I pretending? I don’t like to get high all the time.. maybe like once a year.. The real me likes looking at anime porn for some strange reason… although I havent looked at any porn since I was with you watching it with you. The real me is terrified of my future… wondering how badly I’m going to fail before I get everything right.. financially… educationally… relationshiply.. every way. . . the real me is so angry at myself that I haven’t really had any happiness in a while and you’ve noticed.. The real me is still not used to you being a jerk.. The real me is an extremely jealous person but I try not to let it show.. but it does come out.. even now.. The real me is more confused with myself more now than Ive ever been.. I wonder how its possible that I can single handedly destroy two peoples lives.. soo terribly bad.. specially yours.. cant even make her one true love happy..
I suck….. i suck really bad.. i know you hate the negative me.. but its true.. i mean look what ive done right? i realize we are two different completely almost 100% different but we coulda made it work and somehow i managed to screw it up. i just hope that you can forgive me.. and who knows.. maybe someday we can try again. . .
and a would be 10th anniversary today…*sigh*
